Love and Lost Keys: ADHD and Relationships

You’re halfway through chatting with your partner about their workday when all of sudden – Hang on did I forget to get the groceries out of the car? What’s that beeping sound? Where is the dog? Oops I better come back to the conversation – oh dear they’re giving me that look again! They can tell I’ve been distracted. 

If you, or your partner, have ADHD (Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder) this scenario might feel very familiar. ADHD can make relationships tremendously thrilling and occasionally frustrating, often all rolled into one! With the right strategies, you can both turn the chaos into connection.

Laundry Doom Piles 

How it happens: ADHD brains can struggle with executive function. Simply put, this can mean that starting or finishing tasks doesn’t always go the way we’d planned. Laundry disagreements are a common example that we often hear about in therapy as it has so many different steps to get to the task being completed – washing, drying, sorting folding and finally putting away. Someone with ADHD might for example might get it washed easily, but it might pause here, and then getting it dried and put away might be the tough bit at the end to finish off.
Impact on relationships: One partner might feel like they’re carrying more of the household mental or physical load, which can create tension or feelings of frustration and resentment.

What to do:

• Set a timer on your phone so you remember to finish tasks.

• Break jobs into smaller steps, “wash clothes” is one step and “fold clothes” is another. This can reduce the feeling of overwhelm on your executive functioning and presents the task as multiple smaller steps which can feel more achievable. 

• Discuss with your partner swapping chores so each of you can do what you’re naturally better at or find naturally easier. For example you might be great at writing shopping lists and buying groceries, they might be better at folding.

One Ear Only Listening 

How it happens: Your partner is chatting to you about something important … and you suddenly remember a task you need to do or something you’ve wanted to tell them about for ages. ADHD brains can jump around mid-conversation without warning or intent.
Impact on relationships: Your partner may feel insignificant, boring or unimportant to you.

What to do:

• Remain grounded — use active listening skills as these may help you to stay grounded in the conversation and gives you practical things to pay attention to – try repeating back part of what they said in your own interpretation. 

• Organise pre-meditated “uninterrupted focus time” for important topics (phones away, TV off, attention on each other, use fidget spinners or grounding skills).

• When you realise you’ve been hooked by distraction, that’s okay just own it. “oops I’ve gotten distracted by my brain, can you please repeat that bit I want to hear it”. 

Memory Hiccups 

How it happens: ADHD and poor memory isn’t due to your partner not caring or not trying hard enough — it’s actually about their working memory hiccups. That’s why keys, wallets and phones can vanish into thin air.
Impact on relationships: Constant searching can waste time, cause frustration, add stress, and make both partners late.

What to do:

• Have a designated “home” for important items (a hook for keys, a tray for wallets, important paperwork all in one folder).

• Make it as light as possible, don’t sweat the non-life-threatening stuff, try to solve it as a team, laugh about the search instead of letting it turn into a frustration filled argument. Neither partner wants to have to search for things (again) but accepting this is the reality helps to de-catastrophise the moment. 

And Finally…

Sure, ADHD can bring challenges to a relationship — from interrupting important conversations to forgotten commitments to frantic searches for keys (phones, wallets, bags, paperwork, lunch, shoes etc!). However with insight, open communication, and practical strategies, couples can move from annoyance to teamwork. The goal isn’t to “fix” the person with ADHD, but to come together so both partners feel heard, supported, understood and respected. 

When both partners commit to learning about ADHD and adjusting their expectations without judgment, the relationship can become stronger, more cohesive, and infused with a sense of lightness and playfulness.

By Carlie Kowald

Therapy for ‘me’ or ‘we’?

Which One Is Right for Us? Couples Therapy or Individual Therapy?

When your relationship starts to feel tumultuous or as if the two of you are drifting away from each other again, working out what you need and where to seek help can feel overwhelming. One of the biggest questions people face is whether to seek help together through couples therapy, or to work on things individually through personal therapy. Both paths offer beneficial outcomes, but they serve different purposes and can produce different types of change. When money and time are so precious, you want to make sure you make a wise decision.

Couples Therapy:

Focusing on the Relationship Dynamic and Patterns

Couples therapy involves both partners attending sessions together with shared goals of improving the relationship which may include communication skills, emotional connection, reducing conflicts or rebuilding trust. Our therapists who are trained in evidence-based couples counselling modalities like Emotion-Focused Therapy (EFT) or the Gottman Method will guide partners to understand how the patterns and dynamics they co-create and then help them move from disconnection to reconnection.

Couples who engage in therapy show greater improvement than approximately 80% of those who experience relationship difficulties but do not pursue treatment.

Individual Therapy:

Focusing on Your Internal Experiences

Individual therapy concentrates on your personal experience and perspective. It allows you to explore how your own emotions, behaviours, expectations, relationship history and expectations might be affecting how you relating to your partner.  

From healing your past attachment wounds to building emotional regulations skills or gaining clarity in love, individual therapy offers a safe, empowering space to begin your own personal journey of reflection and insight.

When to Choose Couples Therapy

Couples therapy is especially helpful whereby:

• Your conversations regularly escalate into arguments or an icy shutdown.

• You feel distant, misunderstood, or emotionally disconnected.

• Physical and emotional intimacy has reduced.

• The trust has been broken.

• You want to fix the relationship but you are not sure where to start or what to prioritise first.

Working together in a neutral therapeutic space with a therapist present can slow down and reset your repetitive and reactive cycles and allow each partner to respond with greater empathy, curiosity, and care.

The Sooner, The Better

At some point in a couple’s life there may be a moment where one partner will decide now is the time to try to improve the quality of the relationship. The research evidence shows that couples who seek relationship counselling earlier tend to have higher success rates. Unfortunately, according to Gottman Institute research, most couples wait six years before seeking help and while it is never too late to seek help, booking in with a relationship counsellor sooner improves your outcomes statistically. This research finding makes instinctive sense that the longer couples use an unhelpful strategy, the longer issues have the opportunity to spiral and build.

When Individual Therapy Is the Best Fit

Individual therapy may be more suitable if:

• You are personally unsure whether you want to stay in the relationship.

• You have noticed your mental health symptoms have been negatively affecting the relationship.

• You want to understand how your attachment style or past relationships affect your current emotional and behavioural patterns.

• You seek to learn or improve your skills in communication, boundary setting and emotion regulation.

The one-on-one therapy session format can provide the insight and focus on your own areas of reflection to utilise within your relationship.

Can You Do Both at the Same Time?

Absolutely. Many of our MM clients choose to participate in both couples and individual therapy, sometimes simultaneously. When coordinated carefully, these two differing therapy approaches can complement and support each other.

Don’t Let Decision Freeze Keep You Stuck!

Whether you choose to begin with couples therapy or individual therapy, simply starting with some professional psychological support is a successful step towards effective change. All relationships will bloom and benefit from the support, intentional insight, and deliberate focus on growth. As the research shows, one of the most important parts is just starting!

If you're still uncertain or confused just give Kristyn from our helpful MM team a call on 0472 913 604, check out our informative website or flick us an email at enquiries@motivatingmarriages.com.au

We’re here to help.

By Carlie Kowald

When Love Feels Hard: Does Couples Therapy Actually Help?

If you're feeling stuck, disconnected, or caught in the same arguments with your partner, you're not alone. Many couples in Australia turn to relationship counselling for support. While every relationship is unique, there’s ever growing evidence that couples counselling can make a meaningful difference.

But just how effective is it? Let’s take a closer look at what the research tells us.

What the Numbers Show

• According to Relationships Australia, up to 70% of couples report improvements after counselling. Many say they feel more understood, communicate more effectively, and are better equipped to handle challenges together.

• The Australian Government’s report on marriage counselling research found that 79% of women and 91% of men considered divorce or separation less likely after couples counselling.

• Furthermore, they found that 78% of women and 83% of men reported that they felt the issues they had sought counselling about, had changed for the better after couples counselling.

•  Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT) is one of the models used by Motivating Marriages Psychologists, has a success rate of around 75%. Multi-study analyses have shown that around 70–75% of couples report improvements in their relationships after undergoing therapy. One of the most studied and evidence-based approaches, Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), developed by Dr. Sue Johnson, demonstrates especially high success rates. Studies indicate that EFT helps approximately 70–90% of couples move from distress to recovery, with substantial long-term gains in relationship satisfaction and emotional closeness.

• In the 1980s, therapy for couples had a 50% chance of success. Couples in therapy now have closer to a 75% success rate when using EFT. (Johnson, S., et al. 1999).

•  Large scale reviews of literature and research show that relationship therapy is clinically effective in reducing relationship distress. (Bradbury & Bodenmann, 2020; Doss et al., 2022; Lebow et al., 2012; Roddy et al., 2020; Shadish & Baldwin, 2003).

• Relationship counselling also shows evidence to supporting specific relationship problems such as sexual difficulties and infidelity. (McCarthy & Thestrup, 2008) and (Baucom et al., 2006) respectively.

What Increases the Success of Couples Counselling?

Every couple is unique, and their set of challenges are unique so while it’s hard to generalise, we tend to see four factors that can improve the success of your couple’s counselling.

• The Earlier The Better: Counselling is most effective when couples seek support before serious damage has occurred. Although it must be noted that according to Dr. John Gottman, founder of The Gottman Institute, most couples wait an average of six years before seeking couples counseling. So even if you’ve waited a while – you’re not alone!

• Shared Commitment: As expected, the best results come when both partners are willing to be open, honest, and actively involved in the process, although it’s important to note that this motivation can increase over the span of the counseling. We at Motivating Marriages often hear that even when one of the partners is not initially keen to attend therapy, but most often once they’ve started coupes therapy, they begin to feel hopeful and more committed to the process.

• Qualified and Experienced Therapists: At Motivating Marriages, we have some of the most skilled and trained relationship counselling Psychologists available with both Kerrie and Adrian being fully registered psychologists with the Psychology Board of Australia, registered Medicare providers and members of the Australian Psychological Society. As well as this they are both Certified Gottman Method Couples Therapists having completed all levels of the training, and finally they have both achieved an externship in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples.

• Individualised Approaches: Cultural, gender, and neurodiversity-aware therapy makes a real difference. The best therapists adapt their approach to reflect each couple’s unique background and needs. Such an important part of the therapy process – individualized treatment plans, no one size fits all approach!

Reconnection Starts with a Conversation

Whether you’re currently navigating a rough patch or want to strengthen your connection for the future, seeking professional support can be one of the most empowering steps you take as a couple.

Relationship counselling can help improve communication, rebuild trust after conflict or betrayal, and provide a safe space to explore complex emotional dynamics that may be difficult to navigate.

Evidence suggests that many couples who engage in therapy experience meaningful improvements in their relationship. In fact, Australian data indicates that around 70% of couples report positive changes following counselling (Energetics Institute, 2023).

Whether you're facing a specific issue or simply wanting to reconnect, therapy offers a structured, supportive approach to building healthier, more resilient relationships.

If you're ready to take the next step, reach out to get started or learn more about how couples therapy could support your relationship.

By Carlie Kowald

Love Bombing: Too Much Too Soon

At first, it can feel like a total dream come true. You're swept off your feet, showered with compliments, generous gifts, and constant attention. Your phone beeps nonstop with sweet thoughtful messages all day and night long. They say they’ve never felt like this before with anyone else. They say they’ve met anyone like you. They say it must be fate bringing the two of you together. 

However, soon, something shifts. The warmth fades, the criticisms start, the tension grows, and the person who once seemed head over heels besotted with you is suddenly critical, controlling, and at times, even cold.

Maybe it wasn’t the perfect fairy tale love story they promised to you at the start, maybe it was love bombing?

What Is Love Bombing?

Love bombing is a psychological manipulation approach where one person smothers the partner with physical affection, verbal admiration, and intense attention as a way to assert themselves very early in a relationship. It might look like a powerful instant attraction on the surface, but it can often mask other intentions.

Signs of Love Bombing

Some common ‘red flags’ include:

• Excessive flattery (constant praise, high frequency, high intensity) 

• Rushing intimacy (saying “I love you” in the first few days or weeks, overly affectionate right from the start).

• Pressure to commit quickly (talking of marriage very early on, wanting to move in together extremely quickly)

• Over-communication (texting or calling non-stop or wanting to be together 24/7)

• Gifts and grand gestures (the generosity feels disproportionate to the length of the relationship) 

• Getting upset when you need space (guilt tripping tactics, faking illness so you cancel your plans to care for them)

True love and connection tend to build slowly and gradually and is respectful of your boundaries. Love bombing overwhelms you and your boundaries, it might make you question yourself – why aren’t I as happy as I should be, they’re everything I’ve said I wanted, they’re saying all the right things? But maybe, something feels ‘off’, too fast, too soon, or too much. 

Why Do People Love Bomb? 

While the reasons for love bombing may vary, it is most often an attempt to gain control in a relationship. 

1. Narcissistic Tendencies

Individuals with narcissistic traits often use love bombing as a tool to gain admiration and validation. The affection is intense at first, but once they feel secure in the other person’s attachment to them, the dynamic may shift dramatically into criticism, emotional distance, or manipulation.

2. Deep Insecurity 

Not all love bombers are intentionally manipulative. Some act out of overwhelming insecurity and a fear of being alone. Their excessive affection is an attempt to fast-track emotional closeness and secure commitment before the other person has a chance to walk away.

3. Power and Control in Abusive Dynamics

In toxic or abusive relationships, love bombing is often just the beginning. It serves as the entry point to a destructive cycle. Often starting with idealisation, followed by devaluation and eventually the ending of the relationship. The goal is to emotionally win over the partner, gain their trust, and later use that connection to exert control.

The Love Bombing Cycle

Love bombing is a pattern of emotional manipulation and can cycle repeatedly throughout the relationship. 

1. Idealisation – “you’re so perfect” 

   You’re placed on a pedestal. They shower you with affection, praise, and attention. It feels like you're the center of their world.

2. Devaluation – “you’re not trying enough”

   Suddenly, the tone shifts. You’re being criticised, dismissed, or emotionally neglected. The warmth fades, replaced by confusion and self-doubt.

3. Discard – “we’re done”

   They pull away completely often ghosting, cheating, or ending the relationship abruptly, often without an explanation.

4. Hoovering – “I miss you, let’s try again” 

   Just when you start to move on, they can return with renewed affection, trying to “suck” you back in using the same intense tactics that hooked you the first time.

Recognising this cycle is a crucial step in breaking free from unhealthy patterns before they repeat and deepen.

Protect Yourself from Love Bombing

• Allow Time – Genuine love takes time to grow. Be cautious of anyone who pushes for intense emotional or physical intimacy too quickly.

• Hold Your Boundaries – Healthy relationships allow space for both partners needs and in turn will respect your limits.

• Listen To Your Intuition – If someone’s affection feels overwhelming at first and then suddenly changes, pay attention to this inconsistency in words and actions.

• Consult With Others – Talk to trusted friends, family, or a therapist. External insights can help you see the situation more clearly which can be challenging when emotions are running high.

Defuse the Love Bomb

Love bombing can feel exciting, hope filled and flattering initially, however if your intuition is not feeling comfortable about something, or other people are warning you to slow things down, it’s wise to pause and evaluate the situation.

Genuine love feels gentle, respectful and considerate. It doesn’t pressure more of you than you feel comfortable with or feel rushed and demanding. It unfolds over time, grounded in mutual trust and emotional safety. Trust yourself (and supportive loved ones) to recognise the difference between the two and remember it’s totally appropriate and understandable to need to slow things down at the start and enjoy the ride. True genuine love will happily wait and respectfully honour your request.

By Carlie Kowald

Blurring Boundaries: Setting respectful limits with your parents and your in-laws

A wonderful part of having the privilege of an extended family is ideally having the presence of parents and/or parents-in-law, whose presence provides the opportunity for additional wisdom, advice, love, care and practical support. But occasionally, the presence of parents (and parents in law) – and the extra unsolicited opinion or two - can interrupt the harmony and consistency when it comes to topics such as parenting choices, the division of household tasks and marital dynamics.  

For a lot of people setting boundaries with others can feel confronting and uncomfortable as it is - let alone if it’s your devoted ‘helpful’ parents or parents-in-law. However, setting boundaries in relationships is an essential part of ensuring mutually respectful long-term relationships. It may feel rude, disrespectful or wrong to establish limits with your child’s grandparents and your parents/parents in law, but setting clear expectations and boundaries is a necessity in any healthy relationship. Without boundaries, we can feel disrespected, silenced and resentful, which may ultimately damage the relationship over time.

Common Examples of Boundary Blurring:

o   Unsolicited marital advice

o   Unsolicited parenting advice

o   Commenting on your partner negatively

o   Coming over unannounced

o   Feeding your child foods you don’t agree with  

o   Not following child’s regular routine as requested

o   Overstepping in practical tasks

So what are some ways to go about setting healthy and respectful boundaries with your parents and/or parents-in-law?

Speak with Appreciation

Start the conversation by expressing gratitude and love. This helps create a safe, respectful atmosphere and lowers defensiveness.

Example: "We really appreciate everything you do and the love you show our family. It means so much to us."

This approach aligns with Gottman’s principle of "expressing appreciation," helping to build kindness before addressing more difficult topics.

Communicate Your Needs with ‘I’ Statements

Focus on expressing your own feelings and needs rather than placing blame.

Example: "I feel overwhelmed by unplanned visits, and I’d love to have time to prepare so we can enjoy our time together more."

This keeps the conversation centered on your perspective and reduces defensiveness.

Clear and Direct Communication

Avoid vague language that could lead to misunderstandings. Be straightforward about your needs and wants.

Example: "We’d love for you to visit, but we need at least a day's notice to ensure it fits with our schedule."

Clear communication shows respect and helps prevent future conflict and misunderstanding.

Validate, Validate, Validate

Acknowledge their emotions to show you understand and care about their perspective.

Example: "I know it’s difficult not seeing the kids as often as you’d like. We really value your relationship with them and want to make visits meaningful."

Validation fosters empathy and reflects Gottman’s principle of emotional attunement.

Provide Other Alternatives

Presenting alternative options shows flexibility and a willingness to compromise.

Example: "If a last-minute visit isn’t possible, would a weekly Facetime be a good way to stay connected?"

This maintains your boundary while offering another option to nurture the quality of the relationship.

Consistency is Key
Consistency is so important when setting effective boundaries. It may take them some time to modify their behaviours, but if a boundary is crossed, just gently but firmly repeat your needs and wants.

Example: "We really appreciate how much you care, but we need to stick to the plan that we discussed. It helps keep things consistent for the kids."

Take a Break

If emotions start to escalate during discussion, try to pause and state you will revisit the conversation later.

Example: "It seems like we’re both feeling a bit overwhelmed. Let’s take some time and talk again when things feel calmer. Let’s come back in 20 minutes to try again”.

This approach aligns with Gottman’s practice of "taking breaks" to ensure emotional safety

Finally, Boundaries Aren’t Barriers, They’re About Respectful Balance

Setting boundaries with appreciation, kindness and clarity builds better relationship bonds. It fosters mutual respect and creates a balanced, healthy environment for all generations. It’s not just about having a relationship with parents or parents-in-law, it is ideally about having a healthy and respectful relationship together.

Remember boundaries aren’t barriers, they’re our guide to foster positive and sustainable relationships.

By approaching these conversations with genuine empathy, gratitude, and consistency, you can foster a relationship based on a deeper understanding with each other, respecting differences and create lasting reciprocity with the parents in your life.

By Carlie Kowald

Riding the wave of flooding, together.

What is Flooding?

Physiological and emotional ‘flooding’ is an intense bodily stress response that can be sparked by interpersonal conflict, and involves the release of adrenaline, causing an increased heart rate, muscle tenseness and diminished cognitive and verbal processing.

Flooding is a surge of very intense emotions that can quickly feel overwhelming and overpowering. In this heightened state, your brain and body can become overstimulated and feel the need to shut down or fight back. It can be extremely difficult to wrangle your emotions or think clearly and rationally. Ultimately, it can cause us to go into a flight, fight, or freeze mode.

For couples, this can result in heightened hostility, miscommunication, and emotional stonewalling. However, by identifying the early signs of flooding (both individually and as a couple), and employing effective coping strategies, partners can support one another and strengthen their relationship. Here’s how to ride the emotion wave as a team.

Recognising the Signs of Emotional Flooding

Emotional flooding looks different from person to person:

• Feeling overwhelmed by emotion

• Difficulty in thinking rationally

• Urge to make quick or irrational decisions

• Racing thoughts

• Crying (verge of tears)

• Urge to flee or escape

• Increased heart rate 

• Breathing pattern changes

• Stomach sensations – fluttery, knot, dread

• Sweating or flushed feeling

• Shaky or jittery

• Zoning out

• Shutting down

Riding the wave together…

1.Notice the early signs of flooding

Recognising physiological flooding in both yourself and your partner, is the first step in addressing it effectively.

If you notice that you or your partner are beginning to feel overwhelmed and flooded, it’s ideal to acknowledge these early warning signs. Depending on the situation you could consider a comforting action like a gentle touch or validating nod of agreement to convey unity and acknowledgement without adding to the tension.  

Read more about Psychological Flooding: Understanding and Managing Overwhelming Emotions

2.Pausing to Regulate and Reset

If we miss the opportunity to pause during flooding, we can run the risk of exacerbating the emotional distress and risk of miscommunicating. Research shows that a minimum of 20 minutes allows the body time to return to a more regulated state. Try to choose an engaging and enjoyable activity to reset and regulate yourself. It’s crucial to avoid fixating on the conflict while taking a break; instead, focus on relaxation rather than replaying the conflict on loop. Ultimately, both partners need to commit to continuing the discussion once they feel calmer and more in control, therefore allowing the conversation to continue with a clearer direction and purpose.

Need some ideas? Click here for a Fun Activities Catalogue

3.Develop Self-Regulation Skills

Successfully managing physiological flooding requires practices that help regulate the nervous system and increase emotional stability. Try practicing controlled breathing, progressive muscle relaxation or grounding exercises. Spend time consciously reframing the conflict within your own perspective, moving from opposition to teamwork, and reminding both of you that you are working together to resolve the issue, rather than opposing against each other.

Click here for Breathing Exercises for Anxiety: 9 Techniques for Stress-Relief

 4. Reengage in the Conversation with a Constructive Approach

Once both partners have regained emotional equilibrium and the flooding has passed, returning to the conversation with a collaborative mindset is key. Using healthy communication scripts such as “I” statements (e.g., “I felt upset when…”) rather than blaming statements (“You always…”) helps promote understanding instead of defensiveness. Finally, cooperating together on compromises and joint solutions allows both partners to approach the issue as a shared challenge, learn from the conflict, and continue to work together on reducing the instances of flooding again in the future.

Read more about I Statements vs You Statements: Effective Communication Tips

Conclusion

When couples can catch the flooding warning signs early, pause and regulate, take effective breaks (minimum 20 mins), and reunite to reframe the flooding conflict, they are able to transform moments of complete overwhelm into opportunities for deeper understanding and emotional connection.

By: Carlie Kowald

A Love Letter: The Twinkle of Christmas

Dearest Love,

As Christmas fast approaches, and the craziness of the year accelerates, scheduling events, preparing endless communal food platters, juggling budgets, and attempting the delicate balancing act of both family and friends, I want to promise us both that I will try to hold onto the magic this time of year can offer. I choose not to allow the franticness to overwhelm me but to try my hardest to stop, savour and see – truly see, the gorgeousness this time of year can hold if we let it.

For me I want to notice the twinkling neighbourhood lights, the orchestra of cicadas, the warm humid air, the sound of kids squealing in backyard pools and to stop to truly soak it all in. Just pausing momentarily to notice and appreciate. I remind myself of why this time of year can feel busy and pressured – because it’s important, because it’s exciting, because it’s an excuse to eat deliciously well, to give ourselves a much-needed break and to prioritise spending time with the people we choose.

With you, Christmas is so much more than just a festivity - it’s a feeling. It’s a shared experience. It wouldn’t be the same with you. This Christmas, I hope we can savour all the little wonderful moments together—the glittering glow of our faithful old tree, the peacefulness once home after another busy event, the simplicity of a shared meal together. I choose to walk hand in hand with you through this Christmas, strengthening the silly little traditions we have and maybe even creating new ones that could be uniquely ours.

This Christmas I choose to be mindful with my words, my actions and my presence so that I’m showing you how truly I value you, especially during a time that’s meant to bring us joy and contentment, not stress and exhaustion.

I choose to listen and step up to help when I can. I know this holiday time can be frantic, and I promise to do my part to support you as best I can to make plans and preparations, take care of essential errands, or to be your sounding board on decisions running through your mind.

I want this season to be a shared experience for both of us, bringing together what brings us both happiness. I choose to listen to what matters most to you, whether it’s our family traditions, summer holiday plans, or having quiet moments of stillness, I want to pay attention to what is most important to you.

The busyness of the holidays and clashing events can sometimes create moments of tension and stress, but I promise to communicate with kindness, even during demanding times. My Christmas goal is to bring you peaceful support, not added burdens.

I want to help you to protect your peace as I know saying no can be tricky for you, so if you need stillness, space, down time, or even help declining an event, know that I choose to respect your needs, and your boundaries. Your comfort is my priority, and I’d never want you to feel overwhelmed or obligated unnecessarily.

I choose to make this holiday full of twinkly love, gifts of compassion, all wrapped up in Christmas kindness and consideration. I hope to make simple but warm memories together that we can treasure forever. With all my heart,

From Me.

Coping with Grief Together

Grief is our natural reaction to a significant meaningful loss, which is most often accompanied by emotions such as sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, and numbness. Grief occurs when we lose someone or something significant to us, be it a person, pet, job, relationship or a major life event that never eventuated.  The process of grieving varies from partner to partner, person to person, and often unfolds in stages with the process allowing for mourning and then over time gradually coming to terms with the loss.

Grief can place considerable stress on both partners, as the emotional turbulence and vulnerability it brings may lead to distance or miscommunication in the relationship. However, by facing grief together, couples have the chance to strengthen their emotional connection, offer mutual support, and grow stronger as a team. Coping with grief as a team requires open communication, empathy, patience, and emotional resilience.

“Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you.”

- Ranata Suzuki

Common Phases of Grief

The phases of grief are often referred to as the "Five Stages of Grief,” and this concept was originally introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. The 5 stages of grief are:

Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or make deals (often with a higher power) to reverse the loss.

Anger: Frustration or fury about the loss, often asking "Why me?" or “Why them?

Denial: Difficulty accepting the reality of the loss, feeling detached or numb.

Depression: Deep sadness over the loss, feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss.

It’s important to note that although they are named ‘stages’, these are not experienced in a specified order, each stage may last for a different amount of time, or be more or less intense than others, and not everyone necessarily goes through all 5 of the stages. The process of grief is an unpredictable, messy and non-linear one. Grieving is unique to each person and partner.

Allowing for Individual Grief Responses

One of the first challenges that grieving partners may face is the realisation that everyone processes their loss differently. It's helpful to remind each other that grief is a deeply personal and unique experience. Supportive partners will aim to accept and acknowledge each other's individual grief behaviours and coping strategies without harsh criticism and judgment. Your partner may show signs of emotional grief, pragmatic/practical grief, physical grief, avoidant grief or intellectualised grief.

A common example we would see in couples counselling would be where one partner may need to express their feelings through conversation and de-briefing, while the other partner finds that too overwhelming and needs stillness and solitude. Some partners may withdraw, others might seek more affection and care than usual, while some may turn to distractions such as work, socialising or exercise as a coping mechanism.  Honest and compassionate conversations about each partner’s preferred way of handling their grief can help avoid misunderstandings, personalisation, helplessness and feelings of rejection.

“Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it.”

-  Terri Irwin

Shared Grief Rituals

One meaningful way partners can cope with grief together is by creating shared rituals of healing. These can be little, small acts, such as lighting a candle to honour the memory of the person lost, cooking a treasured recipe together, visiting a special place together, planting a meaningful flower in the garden, or talking over dinner each night about when grief rolled in for each other that day. It is in the sharing of these rituals that can provide a sense of togetherness and bonding through the grief.

These shared grief rituals can provide both emotional and psychological benefits to each of the partners by fostering a sense of deep connection, offering some structure in a time of change and confusion. These little rituals can speak loudly of your support and care for your partner and serve as heartfelt reminders that although life may never be the same after such a significant loss, together the partnership can find ways to still have connection, meaning, safety and comfort.

Balanced Boundaries in Grief  

On the flipside of this, whilst grief can be shared and supported by our partners in love, it is also crucial to remember that not all partners are ready to, or able to, share their grief with their partners in this way.  One partner may prefer solitude to journal, read, research or meditate without feeling the need to constantly involve the other partner. It is essential that both partners respect each other’s boundaries when it comes to personal grief work.

By allowing for these individual boundaries this helps to ensure that neither partner feels pressure or expectation to ‘heal’ or ‘fix’ the other’s grief. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for one partner to feel the pressure of being the ‘strong stoic one’ while the other grieves openly. However, in a healthy relationship, both partners would allow themselves to be vulnerable and ask for help when they need it. This may involve acknowledging that professional counseling, grief support groups or grief therapy is necessary to help process the depth of their grief.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

- Vicki Harrison

Conclusion

Living with grief can be hard enough to navigate as an individual, and being in a relationship has the potential to make grief even more complex, however as we’ve discussed, grieving both as an individual partner, and, together as a partnership can allow grief to present as an opportunity for growth and connection.

When we can allow for individual differences, use open gentle communication, and support each other with empathy, partners can navigate the challenges of grief together. Through compassion, patience, shared rituals, and a commitment to healing, relationships can not only survive grief as a team but emerge stronger and more connected. Grief, though painful, can ultimately bring partners closer together as they learn to lean on each other through life’s most complex moments.

"Love is really the only thing we can possess, keep with us, and take with us."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

By Carlie Kowald