What we say to each other without words

“Eyes are the window to the soul”

“Actions speak louder than words”

“I can see how you truly feel about that”

The Power and Impact of Non-Verbal Communication in Romantic Relationships

Non-verbal communication is the action of expressing our emotions and true reactions without the use of verbal words. It involves various forms of visual signals, such as facial expressions, body language, posture, eye contact, tone of voice, and physical touch. These signals convey our feelings and intentions often more openly than words. As an innate and universal form of communication across many countries, continents and cultures, non-verbal communication allows people to connect with each other without the use of a shared dialect or verbal language. Because of the universality of non-verbal communication it can help romantic partners connect on a deeper emotional level, by encouraging and deepening intimacy and trust.

Non-verbal signals also play a crucial role during conflicts and can either serve as being unhelpful or helpful to the conflict depending on how aware we are of our body language. Using gentle eye contact and leaning in to listen attentively can help reduce tension and show a willingness to resolve concerns. With awareness and knowledge of each other’s non-verbal communication, couples can build more satisfying and fulfilling relationships.

CONTEMPT

Non-Verbal Communication of Contempt

Contemptuous non-verbal behaviour usually shows itself in facial or physical expressions that communicate disdain, superiority, or a general lack of respect. When exhibited in our romantic relationships, this behaviour is corrosive to the safety, trust and quality of the relationship. Non-verbal cues can communicate a range of negative emotions and attitudes, often intensifying conflict or misunderstanding in interactions.

Examples of contemptuous non-verbal communication:

• Sneering, where one side of the mouth is raised, conveying disdain

• Sarcasm uses a taunting tone to belittle

• A shrug of the shoulders trivialises the situation, signalling indifference

• An eye roll demonstrates judgment or dismissiveness

• Smirking suggests superiority or mockery

• Tilting the head back, or looking down the nose, conveys dominance

• A raised eyebrow can imply doubt or arrogance

• An exaggerated sigh indicates irritation or impatience

• Behaviours like scoffing, a curt laugh or noise, and leaning back physically, show an attempt to distance oneself, further creating disconnection

• Turning away, purposely avoiding eye contact, or pointing fingers can signal indifference, disrespect, or aggression

• Mocking or mimicking increases intimidation and demeans the other partner, undermining mutual respect and a sense of safety

Contemptuous non-verbal behaviour is especially harmful in romantic relationships because it communicates disrespect and a lack of empathy. This leaves the other partner feeling dismissed and devalued.

AVOIDENCE

Avoidant and Disengaged Non-Verbal Communication

Avoidant non-verbal communication is characterised by behaviours that convey a partner’s discomfort and withdrawal, showing a want to avoid conversation, confrontation, or emotion. This detached communication style often reveals a partner’s attempt to protect themselves from vulnerability or disagreement.

Below are examples of avoidant non-verbal behaviours:

• Quick glances and/or an expressionless face, show a lack of emotional connection.

• Automatic head nods, tightened lips, and minimal movements indicate suppressed reactions or a reluctance to engage

• Closed posture, crossed arms, along with turning or leaning away, creates physical and emotional barriers

• Behaviours like fidgeting, frequent blinking, and a monotone voice often reflect nervousness or disinterest

• Avoiding eye contact, one-word answers, or stopping mid-sentence show a reluctance to participate in the conversation

• Maintaining unnecessary physical distance, avoiding attempts to touch/soothe, or positioning near exits communicates a desire to withdraw

• Distracted frequent glances and extended pauses add to the feeling of detachment

• Subtle signs like a tensed jaw indicate internal stress or an attempt at restraint

These avoidance behaviours may impair a partner’s perceived warmth and perceived willingness to repair conflict effectively. Recognising and addressing these non-verbal behaviours can help promote more reciprocal and positive communication increasing trust and a sense of emotional safety within the relationship.  

HEALTHY

Healthy Non-Verbal Couples Communication

Healthy and connected non-verbal communication signals attentiveness, sincerity, and a genuine connection between partners. They allow the other partner to feel seen, heard and accepted.

Below are examples of healthy and engaged non-verbal communication:

• Genuine smiles and relaxed facial features create an atmosphere of openness, acceptance and emotional availability

• Active listening expressions such as nods, expressive eyes, raised eyebrows show engagement and connection

• Sustained, comfortable eye contact and glancing at your partner show respect and focus

• Positioning your body directly toward them with open posture shows curiosity

• Delicate gestures like leaning in, supportive touch, and maintaining a comfortable distance emphasise interest and connection while respecting personal boundaries

• Matching emotions to follow with the tone of the conversation helps it to feel authentic and dynamic

• Appropriate pauses and connected silence used carefully and thoughtfully allows for reflection and emotional processing

• Brief expressions of emotion such as smiles, or a softening gentle gaze show genuine engagement and focus

Healthy and engaged non-verbal communication promotes care, compassion, and a sense of mutual respect. It shows a partner’s true emotional presence and connection, which when used positively helps to build more intimate and fulfilling relationships and emotional interactions.

Next time your partner is communicating with you on something important to them, be gently curious of what your posture, eyes and nonverbal communication is ‘saying’ to them. Actions really do speak louder than words.

WATCH: 6-minute video summarising non-verbal communication

By: Carlie Kowald

References:

Contempt Facial Expression: Unveiling the Power of Nonverbal Communication | A Simplified Psychology Guide, 2022.

https://www.powerofpositivity.com/5-reasons-non-verbal-communication-is-so-important-in-intimacy/

OpenAI, 2024.

https://www.verywellmind.com/types-of-nonverbal-communication-2795397

Coping with Grief Together

Grief is our natural reaction to a significant meaningful loss, which is most often accompanied by emotions such as sadness, anger, resentment, confusion, and numbness. Grief occurs when we lose someone or something significant to us, be it a person, pet, job, relationship or a major life event that never eventuated.  The process of grieving varies from partner to partner, person to person, and often unfolds in stages with the process allowing for mourning and then over time gradually coming to terms with the loss.

Grief can place considerable stress on both partners, as the emotional turbulence and vulnerability it brings may lead to distance or miscommunication in the relationship. However, by facing grief together, couples have the chance to strengthen their emotional connection, offer mutual support, and grow stronger as a team. Coping with grief as a team requires open communication, empathy, patience, and emotional resilience.

“Your memory feels like home to me. So whenever my mind wanders, it always finds its way back to you.”

- Ranata Suzuki

Common Phases of Grief

The phases of grief are often referred to as the "Five Stages of Grief,” and this concept was originally introduced by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. The 5 stages of grief are:

Bargaining: Trying to negotiate or make deals (often with a higher power) to reverse the loss.

Anger: Frustration or fury about the loss, often asking "Why me?" or “Why them?

Denial: Difficulty accepting the reality of the loss, feeling detached or numb.

Depression: Deep sadness over the loss, feeling emotionally overwhelmed.

Acceptance: Coming to terms with the loss.

It’s important to note that although they are named ‘stages’, these are not experienced in a specified order, each stage may last for a different amount of time, or be more or less intense than others, and not everyone necessarily goes through all 5 of the stages. The process of grief is an unpredictable, messy and non-linear one. Grieving is unique to each person and partner.

Allowing for Individual Grief Responses

One of the first challenges that grieving partners may face is the realisation that everyone processes their loss differently. It's helpful to remind each other that grief is a deeply personal and unique experience. Supportive partners will aim to accept and acknowledge each other's individual grief behaviours and coping strategies without harsh criticism and judgment. Your partner may show signs of emotional grief, pragmatic/practical grief, physical grief, avoidant grief or intellectualised grief.

A common example we would see in couples counselling would be where one partner may need to express their feelings through conversation and de-briefing, while the other partner finds that too overwhelming and needs stillness and solitude. Some partners may withdraw, others might seek more affection and care than usual, while some may turn to distractions such as work, socialising or exercise as a coping mechanism.  Honest and compassionate conversations about each partner’s preferred way of handling their grief can help avoid misunderstandings, personalisation, helplessness and feelings of rejection.

“Your grief path is yours alone, and no one else can walk it, and no one else can understand it.”

-  Terri Irwin

Shared Grief Rituals

One meaningful way partners can cope with grief together is by creating shared rituals of healing. These can be little, small acts, such as lighting a candle to honour the memory of the person lost, cooking a treasured recipe together, visiting a special place together, planting a meaningful flower in the garden, or talking over dinner each night about when grief rolled in for each other that day. It is in the sharing of these rituals that can provide a sense of togetherness and bonding through the grief.

These shared grief rituals can provide both emotional and psychological benefits to each of the partners by fostering a sense of deep connection, offering some structure in a time of change and confusion. These little rituals can speak loudly of your support and care for your partner and serve as heartfelt reminders that although life may never be the same after such a significant loss, together the partnership can find ways to still have connection, meaning, safety and comfort.

Balanced Boundaries in Grief  

On the flipside of this, whilst grief can be shared and supported by our partners in love, it is also crucial to remember that not all partners are ready to, or able to, share their grief with their partners in this way.  One partner may prefer solitude to journal, read, research or meditate without feeling the need to constantly involve the other partner. It is essential that both partners respect each other’s boundaries when it comes to personal grief work.

By allowing for these individual boundaries this helps to ensure that neither partner feels pressure or expectation to ‘heal’ or ‘fix’ the other’s grief. Furthermore, it is not uncommon for one partner to feel the pressure of being the ‘strong stoic one’ while the other grieves openly. However, in a healthy relationship, both partners would allow themselves to be vulnerable and ask for help when they need it. This may involve acknowledging that professional counseling, grief support groups or grief therapy is necessary to help process the depth of their grief.

“Grief is like the ocean; it comes on waves ebbing and flowing. Sometimes the water is calm, and sometimes it is overwhelming. All we can do is learn to swim.”

- Vicki Harrison

Conclusion

Living with grief can be hard enough to navigate as an individual, and being in a relationship has the potential to make grief even more complex, however as we’ve discussed, grieving both as an individual partner, and, together as a partnership can allow grief to present as an opportunity for growth and connection.

When we can allow for individual differences, use open gentle communication, and support each other with empathy, partners can navigate the challenges of grief together. Through compassion, patience, shared rituals, and a commitment to healing, relationships can not only survive grief as a team but emerge stronger and more connected. Grief, though painful, can ultimately bring partners closer together as they learn to lean on each other through life’s most complex moments.

"Love is really the only thing we can possess, keep with us, and take with us."

-Elisabeth Kubler-Ross

By Carlie Kowald

All Relationships Have An Emotional Bank Account

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account is a psychological metaphor created by Dr. John Gottman; a prominent researcher best known for his studies on relationships.

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account uses the symbolism of a ‘bank account’ to explain how interactions between partners signify a ‘deposit’ or a ‘withdrawal’ in the relationship ‘account’. By consistently making positive deposits and avoiding unnecessary withdrawals, the metaphor shows how couples can build a healthy emotional reserve that helps to sustain them through inevitable relationship challenges. Gottman’s metaphor of the Emotional Bank

Account offers a deeper understanding of how everyday interactions with our partners can significantly impact the long-term stability of the relationship.

Building a Healthy Emotional Bank Account

The good news is that the actions required to build your wealth in your relationship’s Emotional Bank Account can be our daily, small, everyday moments and do not necessarily need to be grand gestures that require lots of time/energy/money to enact. Instead, our Emotional Bank Account is gradually built over time through our everyday moments of connection or disconnection. When partners can gift little acts of kindness, empathy, affection, and understanding, they are then making deposits into each other’s emotional accounts.

Deposits:

Small, positive acts, showing our gratitude, saying thank you, showing affection, active listening, and providing support during tough times, are deposits.

These actions, although small and simple, and seemingly insignificant on the surface, build up over time and contribute to a strong sense of safety and trust between partners.

Withdrawals:

Adverse behaviors, such as criticism, stonewalling, overlooking emotional bids, or speaking with contempt, are withdrawals to the emotional bank account. Over time, these repeated seemingly minor actions reduce the sense of safety, fondness, and trust within the relationship.

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account

1. 5:1 Ratio:

Gottman emphasises the importance of maintaining a high balance of positive over negative interactions. His research suggests that the ideal ratio for a healthy relationship is 5:1—five positive interactions for every negative one. This ideal ratio helps to ensure that any withdrawals are offset by the emotional reserves built from positive deposits. These positive interactions create a kind of emotional shield that can prevent conflict from hurting the relationship’s overall health. The 5:1 ratio demonstrates the importance of positivity in relationships, showing that partners need a surplus of positive moments to maintain a healthy emotional connection, especially when facing life’s challenges.

2. Turning Toward Emotional Bids:

Emotional bids are subtle requests for attention, connection, or emotional support that people make in their everyday interactions.

These bids can take many different forms. Bids might look like questions aimed at starting a conversation, like “Hey, how was your day?” or “Look at this funny meme I found.” Or they might be little kind gestures, loving facial expressions, or actions like a smile, a touch on the back, or physically leaning in to show focused interest.

Gottman found that partners who turn toward their partners’ bids are making deposits. Those who consistently and regularly ignore or reject their partner’s bids are making withdrawals, leading to a reduction in the emotional bank account.

3. Rituals of Connection:

Rituals of connection, such as shared daily routines, traditions, or affectionate gestures, play a significant role in maintaining an emotional reserve. These rituals act as regular deposits, reinforcing emotional bonds and providing a sense of stability in the relationship. Some common examples could be:

• Saying “good morning babe” or

• sharing a dinner together at the table every evening,

• a morning coffee spent together,

• an after dinner TV series you watch together,

• a regular date night where the focus is on reconnecting and prioritising the relationship

• or a silly handshake or phrase that you both laugh about in jest.

Rituals of connection help maintain the emotional bond between partners especially during busy or tense periods. They create a sense of safety, reliability and consistency, making the relationship feel more protected and supported.

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account concept may help explain why some relationships thrive while others stumble. Based on his decades of research, Gottman discovered that partners who maintain a healthy emotional bank account tend to experience longer lasting and more fulfilling relationships.

As previously stated, the good news is that our small, daily interactions with each other have more of an impact than occasional grand gestures. The relationship’s emotional bank account grows gradually through these consistent, positive deposits. The research shows that couples who have a surplus of positive interactions are better equipped to face life’s inevitable challenges together, whereas those with fewer positive exchanges are more likely to struggle with dissatisfaction, emotional distance, relationship instability and insecurity, and conflict.

Conclusion

Gottman’s Emotional Bank Account acts as a powerful metaphor to explain how relationships are supported and nurtured over time. It highlights the importance of small, frequent gestures of kindness, emotional sensitivity, and effective communication in fostering the necessary feelings of trust and safety that are required to maintain a long-standing healthy relationship.

By Carlie Kowald

Understanding abusive Behaviour in Relationships

Understanding the types of abusive behaviour in romantic relationships is crucial in attempting to address and prevent its occurrence in our communities. Abusive behaviour in romantic relationships is a pervasive issue that affects individuals across various lifestyles, and does not discriminate on age, gender, ethnicity, or socio-economic background. Abusive behaviours are seen in a range of actions and behaviours that exert power and control over another person, resulting in psychological, emotional and sometimes physical harm.

Types of Abusive Behavior

Abusive behaviour can be seen in several forms, including emotional, psychological, sexual, financial abuse and coercive control.

1. Emotional and Psychological Abuse: This can involve intimidation, manipulation, threats, all aimed to undermine a partner’s self-worth and mental health. It can include criticism, insults, gaslighting (making their partner doubt their own reality), isolation from their friends and family, and controlling behaviour such as what they can and can’t wear.

2. Financial Abuse: This can occur if a partner’s access to financial resources is restricted, overly monitored or completely controlled. This results in the partner being financially dependent on the abuser and limits their ability to be independent, have autonomy, make financial decisions, access resources and supplies and ultimately be able to leave the relationship. Often this can be also done by restricting access to bank accounts or preventing the partner from working.

3. Physical Abuse: This can include any unwanted physical force or contact from hitting, slapping, punching, shoving, pinching, choking, or using weapons. Physical assaults often escalate over time with the partner increasing severity and frequency of violence.

4. Sexual Abuse: Sexual abuse in relationships involves any non-consensual sexual act or behaviour. This can include marital or relationship rape, coerced sexual acts, and any form of sexual exploitation. Full consent is still required despite your marriage status or length of relationship.

5. Coercive Control: Sometimes abusive tactics in a relationship are subtle and difficult to identify, but insults, manipulation, and intimidation can all be part of what’s known as coercive control. “Coercive” is a term that implies the use of threats or force. In a relationship setting, coercive control can refer to ‘any pattern of oppressive, dominating behaviour that uses harm to steer your thoughts, feelings, and actions. While coercive control is often seen through forms of emotional abuse in intimate partner settings, it can also involve the use of physical force’. From 1 July 2024, coercive control is a criminal offence in NSW when a person uses abusive behaviours towards a current or former intimate partner with the intention to coerce or control them. The criminal offence captures repeated patterns of physical or non- physical abuse used to hurt, scare, intimidate, threaten or control someone.

   To find out more about the NSW Government new law, strategies and services dealing with coercive control please click here: Criminalising coercive control in NSW |Communities and Justice

The Cycle of Abuse

Abusive relationships often follow a cyclical pattern, commonly referred to as the “cycle of abuse”; This cycle consists of four stages: tension building, incident, reconciliation, and calm.

1. Tension Building: Stress and strain start to build. The abuser may become irritable, agitated, edgy, angry, or withdrawn, while the romantic partner may try to please or avoid the abuser to prevent an outburst.

2. Explosion: The tension erupts in an abusive incident, which may be physical, emotional or verbal abuse. The abuser releases their built-up tension through abusive actions.

3. Repair/Remorse: After the abuse incident, the abuser may apologise, offer excuses, or even try to blame their partner for ‘provoking the abuse’. They may also use humour, affection, promises to change, or buying gifts to win back the victim’s trust.

4. Calm: The abuser may act as if nothing happened, and the partner may hope that the abuse has finally ended. However, we know that this period of calm is most often temporary, because the fundamental problems remain unresolved, and the cycle will eventually activate again.

Barriers to Leaving

Leaving an abusive relationship is incredibly difficult due to various factors:

• Fear of retaliation

• Fear of unknown

• Love for partner

• Hope for change

• Financial dependency

• Concern for children

• Lack of support (often due to social isolation)

• Low self-esteem (often due to psychological abuse/manipulation)

• Social and cultural shame (often blame themselves for the abuse, or divorce not culturally supported).

• Lack of good resources and services available

  Abusive behaviour in relationships is a serious issue that requires awareness, understanding, and intervention. The barriers to leaving an abusive relationship are abundant and complex, often woven together in ways that make it extremely difficult for romantic partners to leave. It is essential for us to not minimise the complexity of the challenges that romantic partners face and to provide a supportive environment around them, which can empower them to leave abusive relationships safely and rebuild their lives when they are ready.

For more information:

Domestic and family violence | 1800RESPECT

Domestic, family and sexual violence | Communities and Justice (nsw.gov.au)

What is domestic and family violence? | Family Violence Law Help

What is domestic and family violence? (lifeline.org.au)

By Carlie Kowald

Are All Couples Therapists The Same? What to look for in a couples therapist.

In short, no. Not all couples therapists are the same.

It can be a tricky minefield out there trying to find the right fit for you and your partner when navigating the world of couples therapists.

You have finally convinced your partner to attend therapy to work on some relationship challenges. Finding someone who can give your relationship the best chance of future success and satisfaction is so important. It is not something you want to just leave up to chance. With a little digging and asking the right questions, we hope to guide you through some clinical considerations in choosing the best fit for you and your partner.

Couples therapists, marriage counsellors, couples counsellors, relationship therapists, couples psychotherapists, marital therapists and all other grammatical versions of these terms are often used interchangeably when you are on the search for professional relationship help.

Couples therapy focuses on helping couples address conflict, improve communication, and strengthen their relationship. It provides a structured environment where couples can explore their challenges with the guidance of a trained therapist. This process often involves learning new strategies and gaining insights into each other's perspectives to foster healthier interactions and resolve conflicts constructively.

A couples therapist is ideally trained and experienced to function as an impartial facilitator in helping couples resolve conflicts, learn new skills and improve their relationships. They use various therapeutic techniques and interventions to aid couples in developing effective communication and problem-solving skills.

Couples Therapy is a popular choice when a partnership is experiencing:

• Challenges with communication

• Ongoing conflict

• Difficulty with trust

• Life transitions

• Family disagreements

• Differing life directions

• Contemplating a separation

• Intimacy Loss

• Infidelity

The goals of Couples Therapy are often (but not limited to):

• Improved communication skills

• Reinvigorated commitment

• Conflict resolution

• Emotional co-regulation

• Improved meaningful intimacy

• Mutual problem-solving

• Enhanced self-awareness

• Rebuilding trust

Differences Between Psychologists and Counsellors

The Australian Psychological Society (APS) defines a psychologist as “A professional trained in the science of how people think, feel, behave and learn”.

NSW Health Direct defines a counsellor as “a person you talk to so they can help you overcome difficulties in your life and make the changes you want to make”.

One of the key differences between a Counsellor and a Psychologist is that in Australia, the term Psychologist, is a protected title whilst Counsellor is not. This simply means that there is no law in Australia that requires a person who provides a counselling service to have either qualifications or experience. Legally, a person without training or proven skills can call themselves counsellors, therapists or psychotherapists.

Our Psychologists at MMPP have all worked with many truly skillful, talented and incredible Counsellors throughout our careers and love working in multidisciplinary teams and environments for this reason. We do encourage all clients to check and ensure that your potential counsellor, therapist or psychotherapist has obtained suitable qualifications and training accreditations before you commence therapy.

Differences in Experience and Specialised Training

In healthcare, ‘scope of practice’ refers to the areas in which a therapist specialises in. It considers the therapists’ knowledge, skills, training and experience needed for the provision of effective therapy and counseling services to clients. Whilst a Psychologist or Counsellor may have excellent skills treating depression, anxiety or communication skills in individual therapy, this skill does not necessarily transfer easily to couples counselling. Essentially, depending on the therapist, the differences between individual therapists and couples’ therapists can be profound. You would not go to an Optometrist if your knee was hurting!

When searching for a potential Couples Therapist, look for a specialised person who frequently works with couples and is not an individual therapist who ‘can see couples if they have availability’. The needs of couples’ therapy are very specialised and the skills are not general Psychology or Counseling ones.

It is recommended that you seek someone who can show training in ‘couples specific’ therapies such as EFT (Emotionally Focused Couples Therapy), Gottman Method Couples Therapy, CBCT (Cognitive Behavioural Couples Therapy) or BCT (Behavioural Couples Therapy). An experienced couple’s therapist will also be able to provide helpful resources and referrals for extra support and can recommend options like relevant workshops, support groups, or individual therapy if needed.

Use of Research Backed Relationship Therapies such as

Gottman Method Couples Therapy (see The Empirical Basis for Gottman Method Couples Therapy for more information)

Emotion Focused Couples Therapy (see A Review of the Research in Emotionally Focused Therapy for Couples - PubMed (nih.gov) for more information)

Finding the right fit for your relationship means enquiring about a therapist’s qualifications and training, confirming they are a specialised couples counsellor (in our opinion, not just an individual therapist who occasionally sees couples) and ensuring that their personality and style suit you both. The foundations of a healthy relationship are also essential in your therapist-client relationship ensuring you feel respected and heard as well as noticing impartiality and feeling a sense of trust in the therapist’s knowledge and treatment approach. These factors help to ensure you receive the high-quality treatment and care that your relationship deserves.

By Carlie Kowald

Compassionate Care: The Impact of Complex PTSD in Romantic Relationships

“My partner has been diagnosed with Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (c-PTSD) and I’m not sure how best to support them”.

You have most likely heard of Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) which is an anxiety disorder that can occur after a traumatic event or a number of traumatic events. However, it is important to know that c-PTSD is also caused by traumas to someone’s life.

What is Complex PTSD?

Complex Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (c-PTSD) is a psychological condition that develops from prolonged exposure to a series of traumatic events, usually in a situation where the individual may feel trapped, ignored, rejected, unimportant, not good enough, unlovable, unwanted, and helpless. Unlike standard PTSD, which is often be caused by a single traumatic event, c-PTSD may be caused by repeated traumas, a series of emotional or relational traumas, such as ongoing abuse or emotional neglect. This prolonged, ongoing trauma picture of c-PTSD is most often caused in childhood or teenhood and can significantly impact a person's view of themselves quite early on in their life, and thus can later affect the adult’s ability to form and maintain healthy relationships in later life.

The child or teen’s brain cannot fully comprehend the reasons behind the parent or caregiver’s inability to meet their basic emotional or physical needs and may internalise this to mean that they themselves are bad, stupid, not good enough, unlovable, unsafe, or unworthy. The child or teen’s brain may not be able to understand why they receive affection and support sometimes, but not other times. This result of unmet core fundamental needs as a child or teen is that they grow into adults who continue to have this chronic fear that they may not get the love or emotional support they need when they need it. This uncertainty and doubt obviously affects the person’s emotional and psychological development, especially in later adult relationships.

Understanding Complex PTSD

Research shows that c-PTSD can impact your partner’s life in many ways:

o   Low or poor self-image

o   Distrust of others

o   Attachment issues (insecure attachment style)

o   Difficulty with healthy emotion regulation (anger, distress or depression)

o   Impulsive behaviours

o   Difficulty with emotional intimacy or closeness

o   Fear of abandonment

o   Sensitive to criticism

o   Reduced ability to tolerate stress

o   Poor memory

o   Changes to personality traits

o   Flashbacks/triggers/sensory overwhelm

o   Increase risk of substance use

o   Heightened hypervigilance around other people

o   Unhealthy coping skills

c-PTSD affects a person’s self-identity, self-worth, sense of relationship safety, interpersonal skills, trust building and boundary setting skills. The symptoms of c-PTSD can tend to be both chronic and broad, with a wider range of symptoms than PTSD and impacts a partner’s self-identity and view of themselves.

How Can I Help My Partner?

Learn Your Partners Coping Techniques

Your partner may feel validated, loved, and supported if you enquire as to what tips, skills or techniques you could remind them to use during difficult times. It may help you to feel effective and confident if you can find ways to support your partner when they are having a challenging moment such as deep breathing exercises, grounding activity or prompting them to have a walk together.

Be Consistent and Reliable

It may make it easier for your partner to trust you and build a secure attachment with you if your communication and your actions feel safe, secure, and predictable.

Validation!

Acknowledging their reactions and emotions allows your partner to feel supported and cared for by you. You could try mirroring back parts of what they’ve expressed “I hear you saying you want to be left alone. Do I have that right?” or saying things like “I can’t imagine how hard that must have been for you”.

Trying Your Best Not To Personalise

This is probably one of the hardest ones to master but trying hard to not to take things personally. Your partner may have a distressing reaction, emotional withdrawal, or angry eruption due to a situation. It is important to try to remain calm and remember that they have experienced past relationship traumas, and their reaction may be caused by ‘old stuff’ and not necessarily something you have unintentionally done. Checking in with your partner and being curious and open to their triggers is important.  

Learn, Research and Educate Yourself

Get that internet search bar ready and source some trusted sites educating yourself about c-PTSD so that you feel empowered, confident and prepared. In turn, this may assist you to feel more genuine empathy and patience, (and helps you to not personalise the symptoms as much when they pop up – “oh that’s a c-PTSD thing it’s not directed at me this time!”). Understanding that some behaviours are rooted in trauma can help partners respond easier with empathy rather than frustration.

Clear Honest Reciprocal Communication

Open communication is crucial to any healthy relationship and especially helpful with c-PTSD. Both partners should feel safe to express their feelings and concerns without a worry of judgment or ridicule. Scheduling a regular check-in chat could be a good idea to continue to build trust, safety and intimacy in your relationship. Both partners need to feel supported and validated by each other.

Prioritising Your Self Care

Loving and caring for a partner with any mental health condition is most likely at times going to be challenging and exhausting. It is important to nurture your own mental health and wellbeing as well as your partners. Whilst we ask our partners to care for themselves with their self-care, it is just as important that you care for you too. Ensuring you both have healthy boundaries, having downtime (whatever that looks like for you), ideally incorporating exercise/movement into your weekly routine and spending some time alone and in nature can assist in finding healthy balance and regulation for you.

Seeking Support

Relationships take time, energy and attention to ensure they are healthy and satisfying to both partners. Seeking professional support services and encouraging both personal and couples counselling is recommended. Therapy with a trained professional allows for a structured safe space for learning new skills, healing and growth.

Conclusion

Complex PTSD has the potential to impact our adult romantic relationships even though the traumas most likely were caused a long time ago by difficult childhood relationships. Most of us benefit from protecting and nurturing our own mental health and well-being, and c-PTSD is no different. By focusing on effective communication, educating yourself, ensuring both of you have clear boundaries, prioritising mutual self-care and utilising specialised professional support, the symptoms of c-PTSD can be drastically minimised. With the right support from each other you can both build a satisfying, fulfilling and loving relationship together.

By Carlie Kowald

How to Shift from Criticism to Compassion: Tackling Negative Sentiment Override

Negative sentiment override is a detrimental dynamic that can occur in all types of relationships. Over time, negative sentiment override can cause you to view your partner, your relationship, and the future with your romantic partner in a pessimistic, critical, and negative light. Negative sentiment override is like a biased negative filter whereby one or both partners interpret their partner's actions, intentions, and behaviors in a critical and bleak way.  Fundamentally, it's like having a default setting where your negative perceptions override all the positive ones. 

This can lead to a persistent sense of disappointment, criticism, and difficulty in resolving conflicts. What you used to find cute or quirky about your partner is now read as rude, selfish, or cold. You see not just one or two of their actions in this critical light, you start to see most or sometimes all their actions in the negative sense. In negative sentiment override, even positive gestures or actions from your partner may be judged or interpreted destructively. It can drastically damage the quality of the relationship and make it challenging to feel safety, connection, trust, and intimacy.

Dr. John Gottman is a psychologist and researcher, well known for his lifelong work on relationships and relationship research. In his research, he found that the couples that were in distress were most often the ones in a state of negative sentiment override, and sadly, that unless they could change the negative perspective, that it would statistically be more likely to result in the end of the relationship. 

What Causes Negative Sentiment Override?

It is often the cumulative effect over time of feeling alone, unappreciated, disrespected, unloved, unwanted, and unheard. In therapy, we often find it can be exacerbated by events in the past where emotional safety or trust were damaged, emotional hurt was disregarded and conflicts were not adequately attended to and resolved. 

How Do I Get Out Of Negative Sentiment Override?

When you are in a more positive perspective, your conflicts don’t seem as catastrophic, and you are able to recognise your partner's endearing and appealing attributes. You can view your partner and your relationship in a warmer and more compassionate way.

Turning Towards Each Other

In every relationship we use small, sometimes ambiguous, behaviours as ‘bids for connection’. They are the little ways you can respond to your partner who is trying to engage and connect with you. The tricky thing is they can be so subtle you might miss them if you don’t know what to look for. Bids for your connection can be little gestures like asking about your day, wanting to tell you about a news article, requesting a hug, glancing over at you, asking if you’d like a cup of tea or seeking your advice on a topic.  By accepting their bid for connection and choosing to turn towards them (sometimes literally turning towards them, and sometimes just symbolically), we communicate the message of “You are important to me”, “You matter to me”, “I care about us”. We might put our phone down, turn the TV volume on mute, pause what we’re doing for a few seconds and listen/hug/nod/acknowledge. Just as the bid for your connection can be subtle so can our response. But any response is far more impactful than no response or worse yet a ‘turn away’ or rejection of the bid for connection. As you can imagine, over time these rejected bids for connection cause hurt and can result in a negative sentiment override of the relationship. 

Accepting Influence From Each Other

As discussed in MM’s blog last month, Gottman’s research shows us that partners who can accept influence from each other are far better at managing their conflict and therefore tend to have a more optimistic view of their relationship. Working on compromising, actively and genuinely listening, and having a “we” focus instead of a “me” focus can help you and your partner get out of a negatively filtered relationship perspective. Feeling heard, respected and understood by our partners is one of the best predictors for a relationship that lasts the distance and feels positive, hopeful and rewarding. 

Building Your Love Maps

Love maps represent how much we know about, and feel known by, our partner. Learning about our partner’s dislikes, likes, and their values helps us to create a positive picture of them in our hearts. By understanding what makes them tick, why they like to do certain things a certain way, understanding their inner world and non-judgmentally noticing their quirks or vulnerabilities it helps us to view their behaviours more neutrally and maybe even positively. As well as this, feeling accepted and known by our partner makes us feel more positive and optimistic about our partner and the future of the relationship.

Voice Your Fondness and Admiration

Try to be intentional about holding an overall positive regard for your partner. Consciously trying to see them in a positive light. See their attempts to help the relationship - albeit sometimes frustratingly and humourously misguided. You might choose to share your appreciation for their daily menial tasks, think or journal about your relationship strengths and mini victories, or maybe reminisce together on funny or loving memories about what helped you to fall in love with each other. Voicing and recognising your fondness and admiration for each other assists with a balanced, compassionate, and warm perspective. 

Listen to Truly Hear 

Your partner’s wounds from the past can become their negative biased filter in the present through which they view you and the future of the relationship. Try to gently talk about these past events and ‘relationship wounds’ so that your partner can feel heard and healed. Your partner’s feelings are your focus and truly hearing their vulnerability versus listening with a hyper logical and rational ear will help to heal any hurt. Attempt to accept any responsibility for hurt you may have unwittingly caused in the past, reminding them that while that was not your intention, you can hear how hurt they were. Aim to heal their hurt with your empathy, your non-defensiveness and your care and compassion for them. 

As destructive as negative sentiment override can be for relationships, as you can see with some small behavioural changes, conscious decision making and balanced perspective taking, it truly is possible to turn a negative filter into a warm and compassion viewpoint. As always if you would like to discuss any of these concepts with our MM team please don’t hesitate to reach out. 

By Carlie Kowald. 

Accepting Influence

Most people would agree that an important part of what makes a successful relationship is that both people feel heard and respected by one another. Being open and neutral to our partner’s opinion or perspective is a big part of feeling understood and acknowledged. But let’s be honest here – it can be very challenging to remain open on a topic that we may feel quite strongly about! Partners often feel that they are the ones who are flexible and willing to be equal but it’s their partner who is close-minded and rigid! This may be because it is so hard to ‘accept influence’ on certain topics that may not align with our own thoughts and opinions. 

Accepting influence is not about giving up your own values, needs or opinions, instead it’s about being open to understanding and considering your partner's perspective. By doing so, both partners can move away from unhelpful power struggles and toward a collaborative approach where both can feel heard, respected, and valued. This shift can lead to solutions that benefit both individuals, creating a win-win feeling and fostering a sense of shared power within the relationship. It's about finding common ground and working together toward mutual goals and healthy communication. 

Menial tasks such as how to stack the dishwasher, methods to fold clothes, how often the floors need mopping or who does which chores at home can be easier to be flexible on, although most couples can still butt heads on these topics very rigidly. 

“It’s your way or the highway”

“You never budge on things”

“You do it your way and I’ll do it my way”

“You just redo it your way anyway so why would I bother?”

Budgeting, family holidays, input from in-laws and parenting style strategies are examples of more complex and emotionally based decisions that can see us finding flexibility and accepting our partners influence as much more challenging. 

Successful relationships thrive on a mutual exchange of influence, where both partners feel empowered to express their needs and preferences while also being open to considering the perspective of their partner. This dynamic fosters trust, respect, and a sense of fairness within the relationship. It's a continual process of give and take, with each partner contributing to decision-making and problem-solving in a collaborative manner. Building this pattern of respectful influence can strengthen the bond between partners and create a more fulfilling relationship overall.

Accepting influence from your partner does not mean “yes dear”, “no dear” or fulfilling the attitude of “happy wife happy life”. Accepting influence in a relationship involves recognising the validity of your partner's perspective and being open to the possibility of it influencing your own views and decisions. It's a way of showing respect and value for your partner's opinions, even if they differ from your own. 

Here are some reflective questions to ask yourself about whether you can accept influence from your partner:

1. Self-awareness: Start by examining your own behaviour and attitudes. Are you shutting out your partner's ideas or thoughts? Recognising this in the moment is a powerful step toward change.

2. Listen non-judgmentally: Aim to hear your partner's perspective with genuine curiosity and an openness to understand. 

3. Aim for ways to say "yes": Instead of inadvertently going into a defensive stance, seek opportunities to at least acknowledge your partner's opinion “I see what you’re saying”, “I understand your point”, “I hear why this is important to you”. 

When both partners consciously strive to accept influence from each other, listen with empathy, and seek common ground, decision-making becomes less of a search for power and control, and more of a shared goal. 

This can lead to greater mutual understanding, respect, and satisfaction within the relationship. Remembering to approach conflict with openness and a readiness to negotiate can go a long way toward building a deep and resilient relationship.

Gottman Connect

Take this free quiz and get a sense of how well you and your partner accept influence in your relationship as well as how tuned in to each other you currently are.  

By Carlie Kowald.